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If God were to gather all my tears in a bottle, I wonder how full it would be?

I have wept so much this year. Even now, as I write this devotional, just reading verse 1 brings tears to my eyes.

“By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion.”

Psalm 137:1 NIV

Pain, sorrow, fear, guilt, a heart of repentance, and even feelings of utter despair.

I wept because it was hard, I wept out of gratitude, and then I wept again because the hardship returned.

In today’s passage, the Psalmist, a captive in an enemy land, was forced to sing. Unable to bear it, he says they hung their harps on the trees.

“There on the poplars we hung our harps,”

Psalm 137:2 NIV

After losing everything, I had no choice. I had to take on day labor just to earn money.

I went to the employment office at the crack of dawn. As I filled out the application, I felt so ashamed of my prestigious school and career that I erased my background and wrote down nothing.

After submitting the form, I walked to catch the bus to the work site. But right behind my bus, the shuttle for Seoul National University pulled up. Terrified that I might run into someone I knew, I hurriedly bowed my head and walked away.

I had to say “Yes, yes” and follow the instructions of someone much younger than me, even when the work was inefficient. I had to eat the food they gave me and take the money they handed me.

When the work was done, the shuttle bus back to Seoul left without me, and I had nowhere to even complain.

Dragging my exhausted body past a convenience store, I desperately wanted a cold Coke, but to save every penny, I just walked past.

My heart breaks when I see neat-looking office workers in the city. It breaks again when I see affectionate couples through the bus window.

And when the possibility of getting back on my feet seems to fade, my heart completely crumbles.

I cannot find joy. So, when a song commanding me to “Rejoice” is played during worship, I quietly hang my harp on the willow tree.

But looking closer, I see that the reason the Psalmist and I hang our harps is different.

The Psalmist hung his harp to refuse the demands of the Babylonian conquerors, preserving his praise for God alone. But I hung my harp simply because I wasn’t happy and couldn’t bring myself to sing.

For the Psalmist, worshiping God was the core issue. For me, my situation and my heavy heart were the core.

I studied Electronics and Economics at university and graduate school, and I worked analyzing economic data. This is my “skill.”

But now, I must put this skill aside. I can no longer use the education and career I built; perhaps, I might have to forget my skill entirely.

“If I forget you, Jerusalem, may my right hand forget its skill.”
“May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember you, if I do not consider Jerusalem my highest joy.”

Psalm 137:5-6 NIV

The Psalmist confesses that if he does not consider Jerusalem his highest joy, may his right hand forget its skill and his tongue cling to the roof of his mouth.

Through today’s passage, I see that while the Psalmist’s confession and mine look similar, they are fundamentally different.

My situation is difficult. But in truth, I could have praised God yesterday and the day before.

It was just that my heart was entirely fixated on “solving the situation.” Because it wasn’t solved, I chose not to praise Him.

Although I failed to do so yesterday, from tomorrow—and from now on— no matter how difficult my situation, I will make praising God my top priority.

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Lord,
You know the center of my heart.
My heart does not change easily according to my will.

No matter how hard and painful it gets,
please help me not to forget the joy of praising You.

Please help me make “Jerusalem” my highest priority.
Help me, Lord.
Please change me.

In Jesus’ name I pray.
Amen.