The Heaviness That Followed a Conversation

Lately I’ve had a tangle of unanswered questions in my heart. Unable to sort them out, I called my pastor in Seoul. I poured out my thoughts—rambling and disorganized—and she listened quietly and calmly, then responded. I spoke again, and she received it all without judgment and answered gently.

Since the spring of 2020, when I was in the deepest despair of my life, this pastor has steadily counseled me, prayed for me, and helped me through many valleys. I’m truly grateful—she has been a great blessing to me.

But after I hung up, two regrets welled up and left my heart heavy.

First, I felt sorry for putting my pastor through that.
I unburdened myself, but she had to listen in silence for a long time. I thought, “I’ve done it again.”

Second, I felt convicted before God.
I talked and talked, but when I boiled it down, it was basically: “I’m right, and others are wrong.” I shared my thoughts, yet between the lines was criticism of others; I described my struggles, yet beneath the surface was resentment toward my circumstances.

All of that weighed on me.

“I Spoke of Things I Did Not Understand”

Whether it’s from reading Scripture or simply getting older, I’ve been learning more lately.

Ah! Scripture is true!
Ah! the Word is true indeed!

I see Job encounter the God who speaks and then confess:

“… Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”

Job 42:3 (NIV)

And I read Jesus’ words:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

Matthew 7:3 (NIV)

I realize how little I know.
I miss the plank in my own eye while noticing the speck in someone else’s.
I don’t know—yet I keep talking.

Whenever I see this in myself, I feel ashamed, and my heart grows heavy.

Jesus’ Silence—and His Obedience

In many NIV red-letter Bibles, Jesus’ words appear in red, and the earlier and middle chapters are full of that color because He speaks often.

But in John 19, Jesus speaks little—there is hardly any red. He is flogged, mocked with a crown of thorns and a purple robe, and struck by the soldiers.

“Then Pilate took Jesus and had him flogged.” (John 19:1, NIV)
“The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head. They clothed him in a purple robe…” (John 19:2, NIV)
“…and they slapped him in the face.” (John 19:3, NIV)

He quietly follows the Father’s will so that what He had foretold would be fulfilled.

“This took place to fulfill what Jesus had said about the kind of death he was going to die.”

John 18:32 (NIV)

Jesus proclaimed the kingdom of God,
speaking many words.

He also followed the Father’s will,
keeping silence.

By contrast,
the scene is filled with shouting crowds and mocking soldiers as Jesus walks wordlessly toward the cross

“They shouted back, ‘No, not him! Give us Barabbas!’” (John 18:40, NIV)
“As soon as the chief priests and their officials saw him, they shouted, ‘Crucify! Crucify!’” (John 19:6, NIV)
“…and they slapped him in the face.” (John 19:3, NIV)

Prayer

Following Jesus’ example in speaking,
I pray that my mouth may be filled with words that proclaim the kingdom of God..

Following Jesus’ example in obedience,
I pray that my life may be filled with quiet moments of obedience and perseverance.

In Jesus’ name I pray.
Amen.